Tuesday, December 16, 2008

one time i went a bit crazy and i thought you would want to hear about it.

july

Is it so bad to only remember the good? In times of strife she turns to writing. "Time cannot destroy what affection has built." Truth? "there is no such thing as a lie!" "I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." Thoughts like fragments of clouds drifting across the moon, illumined briefly, then move on, dissapate.
As they walked out of the theatre to face the full moon (full on! full face!) she thought, she felt, that most of the time she couldn't see or move, so steeped was she in shoulds and supposed-to's. Fermented, berrated, her whole life, society surrounded her on all sides as though she was submerged entirely in a vast pool of it. Why was it that coming out of highschool it was not when or if, it was simply where--which school will you be attending next year? Schools were the only options. I didn't have a chance to consider other options, I wasnt given the time. Oh lucky, fortunate, certainly. But one begins to lose oneself in the lives of other people's visions for you--pleasing always came naturally. I did it for them. But don't tell them that. Parents begin to draw fear around them, draw her in, within the folds! Our fear will protect her, oh yes.
Why are we scared of things yet to come? They aren't a reality yet! How can you possibly know they will come to be? Why does fear of the future have to overpower the present? "Each moment should be treasured." A sign found while seeking abandoned bus transfers. Ah yes, those were the days..
What if the future never comes? And all our presents were spent, wasted ("lives cannot be spent!") planning for it? How would you feel then? We've lost our intuition, we've lost our connection with our bodies, the Earth, perhaps even eachother. What I value most can only come from experience. Living, you know. Gotta save up for the future, gotta plan it. Planet. plan it, dammit. Or just do it? Did you consider...living in the moment? What if we went along, guided by our feelings and intuitions, considered desires and bodily demands? Listen to your body! Feel it! Sit down, close your eyes and be yourself, listen to where there are aches and pains, and right them. feel that you are who you are, where you are, in this body, these hands, these veins, these muscles, this heart.
It seems to me that a lot of us are running on auto-pilot. Don't look ahead, be where you are! dedicate yourself to what you are currently doing, pour your focus and energy (your all!) into your present actions, and always try to be fully aware of every part of your body, and make sure it is comfortable and satisfied. Stress is for chumps, it will cause disease and take years off your life. This is to say, slooowww doowwwn.

Life is exciting, you know. It can be. If you want it. How could we have forgotten that life is an adventure!? Create your own story. whoa. And I think I forgot, too, that love is a good thing. Luckily Gladys Knight reminded me.
Need to figure out what I want, what I think, what I need. what what what. I I I. What if..? Don't leave space for what if's..!

Oh no, you CAN'T do what you WANT to do, you MUST do what you SHOULD do. Does that seem silly in some way?

She waited until her parents had gone to bed to go commune with the moon, but lo and behold, as she walked out into her backyard, into the night, she saw that clouds had completely obscured the moon and stars--the entire sky was shrouded
she
had
missed

her

chance.

"A tale of two milkcrates! that's right, not all milkcrates are created equal..." whoa, four months of summer. Time to accomplish pretty much anything. Man. that's so much time. And really 8 months goes by so quick, the work is pretty mindless anyway. Pick up a few tricks along the way, only 3 more years to go, and its good experience. I can pick up experience to prepare me for my Awesome future, awesome. "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future..." ..Like a chain, this. Chain of letters, Chain of thought. "Chain of fools!" People would take me more seriously, I could be hired at a Good Job (do I want a Good Job?) for how I look on paper. That's the real world, sister. Need that diploma, gotta getch'r degree. Its only 3 more years.
My back is not happy. I will continue to write.
What if you regret not finishing it later on in life? Just get it over and done with, that's what they all say. I'll probably wish I'd finished when I'm older if I don't now. But do I need it..?

Law of attraction in the Universe! Anything you want--WILL come to you!

I envisioned a life, I was, we were
fixing a kite behind a small yellow cottage fronting onto a gorgeous little lake, quiet, populated with like-minded or otherwise interesting individuals..
A bedroom, a kitchen, living space, a porch. Few possessions, lamp light at night
Transitory, cute.

part-timers as one, so much time to DO what you want.
explore, create, evolve.
..an intuition.

THINK, PAINT, DIGEST, EXPLORE, SEW, READ, WANDER, LEARN, CANOE, TEACH, COOK, BUILD, TRY, VERB, VERB, VERB. SELL. ART. WRITE A BOOK! LEARN HOW TO...
HAVE CONVERSATIONS OF CHANCE MEETING.
CLOUDGAZE. BIKE. MEDITATE. EXCERCISE. YOGA.

dare to be multifaceted !

my internal strife of july 2008.
i just found it now, and i'm not sure how i feel yet. I'm afraid that i agree with much of what is said, but i've made my decision, against my better judgement, mainly because i don't have the guts to drop out of school, i am a bit afraid of the future, but i'm not sure if the fear is mine or not...

1 comment:

Lillian said...

duuude when're you gonna update?
-lillian