Is it so bad to only remember the good? In times of strife she turns to writing. "Time cannot destroy what affection has built." Truth? "there is no such thing as a lie!" "I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." Thoughts like fragments of clouds drifting across the moon, illumined briefly, then move on, dissapate.
As they walked out of the theatre to face the full moon (full on! full face!) she thought, she felt, that most of the time she couldn't see or move, so steeped was she in shoulds and supposed-to's. Fermented, berrated, her whole life, society surrounded her on all sides as though she was submerged entirely in a vast pool of it. Why was it that coming out of highschool it was not when or if, it was simply where--which school will you be attending next year? Schools were the only options. I didn't have a chance to consider other options, I wasnt given the time. Oh lucky, fortunate, certainly. But one begins to lose oneself in the lives of other people's visions for you--pleasing always came naturally. I did it for them. But don't tell them that. Parents begin to draw fear around them, draw her in, within the folds! Our fear will protect her, oh yes.
Why are we scared of things yet to come? They aren't a reality yet! How can you possibly know they will come to be? Why does fear of the future have to overpower the present? "Each moment should be treasured." A sign found while seeking abandoned bus transfers. Ah yes, those were the days..
What if the future never comes? And all our presents were spent, wasted ("lives cannot be spent!") planning for it? How would you feel then? We've lost our intuition, we've lost our connection with our bodies, the Earth, perhaps even eachother. What I value most can only come from experience. Living, you know. Gotta save up for the future, gotta plan it. Planet. plan it, dammit. Or just do it? Did you consider...living in the moment? What if we went along, guided by our feelings and intuitions, considered desires and bodily demands? Listen to your body! Feel it! Sit down, close your eyes and be yourself, listen to where there are aches and pains, and right them. feel that you are who you are, where you are, in this body, these hands, these veins, these muscles, this heart.
It seems to me that a lot of us are running on auto-pilot. Don't look ahead, be where you are! dedicate yourself to what you are currently doing, pour your focus and energy (your all!) into your present actions, and always try to be fully aware of every part of your body, and make sure it is comfortable and satisfied. Stress is for chumps, it will cause disease and take years off your life. This is to say, slooowww doowwwn.
Life is exciting, you know. It can be. If you want it. How could we have forgotten that life is an adventure!? Create your own story. whoa. And I think I forgot, too, that love is a good thing. Luckily Gladys Knight reminded me.
Need to figure out what I want, what I think, what I need. what what what. I I I. What if..? Don't leave space for what if's..!
Oh no, you CAN'T do what you WANT to do, you MUST do what you SHOULD do. Does that seem silly in some way?
She waited until her parents had gone to bed to go commune with the moon, but lo and behold, as she walked out into her backyard, into the night, she saw that clouds had completely obscured the moon and stars--the entire sky was shrouded
"A tale of two milkcrates! that's right, not all milkcrates are created equal..." whoa, four months of summer. Time to accomplish pretty much anything. Man. that's so much time. And really 8 months goes by so quick, the work is pretty mindless anyway. Pick up a few tricks along the way, only 3 more years to go, and its good experience. I can pick up experience to prepare me for my Awesome future, awesome. "Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin' into the future..." ..Like a chain, this. Chain of letters, Chain of thought. "Chain of fools!" People would take me more seriously, I could be hired at a Good Job (do I want a Good Job?) for how I look on paper. That's the real world, sister. Need that diploma, gotta getch'r degree. Its only 3 more years.
My back is not happy. I will continue to write.
What if you regret not finishing it later on in life? Just get it over and done with, that's what they all say. I'll probably wish I'd finished when I'm older if I don't now. But do I need it..?
Law of attraction in the Universe! Anything you want--WILL come to you!
I envisioned a life, I was, we were
fixing a kite behind a small yellow cottage fronting onto a gorgeous little lake, quiet, populated with like-minded or otherwise interesting individuals..
A bedroom, a kitchen, living space, a porch. Few possessions, lamp light at night
part-timers as one, so much time to DO what you want.
explore, create, evolve.
THINK, PAINT, DIGEST, EXPLORE, SEW, READ, WANDER, LEARN, CANOE, TEACH, COOK, BUILD, TRY, VERB, VERB, VERB. SELL. ART. WRITE A BOOK! LEARN HOW TO...
HAVE CONVERSATIONS OF CHANCE MEETING.
CLOUDGAZE. BIKE. MEDITATE. EXCERCISE. YOGA.
dare to be multifaceted !
my internal strife of july 2008.
i just found it now, and i'm not sure how i feel yet. I'm afraid that i agree with much of what is said, but i've made my decision, against my better judgement, mainly because i don't have the guts to drop out of school, i am a bit afraid of the future, but i'm not sure if the fear is mine or not...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
HEY SO My threadless desgin is up for voting! So please vote! Thanksthanks :) hopefully it will be printed, but I do feel it could look a little better...anyway, Check it out here:
supposed to be doing research methods shizz right now, tallying surveys, drawing conclusions, making percentages, that kind of thing. I just have no interest in that...i'll get to it eventually...
Party a success! Band a-mazing!
just wanted everyone to know...it went well !
actually something interesting did happen. The next morning, I went out to check the mailbox, and happened to look to my right to the corner of the next street over, and who should be sitting there in the middle of the sidewalk looking perky ..but my bike! it was the wierdest thing. Kickstand down and everything, it had been taken and left about a block away. Probably because the back tire was totally flat. ahahaha
bUT upon arriving back home with my bike, I discovered, as I had expected to, that Kyle and Monica's bikes had been stolen.
THAT NIGHT however, Kyle, Kajsa, Drew and I were at this party in an apartment building, 14 floors up. halfway through the night, Kyle was looking over the balcony, and happened to see Monica's bike, illuminated, leaning against the pizza store down at street level.. (!)
Drew, Kyle and this other guy Dean (who had pepper spray and came along juss in case) went down to retrieve it. (i think this is how this part goes..)Walking back from locking it up at Drew's, the boys saw this gangstaaa standing where the bike had been, on his cell phone, guesturing and talking angrily.. (he had been at our party the night before, tryna sell drugs, it was not cool and we didnt know who he was) ANYWAY going back into the buildings, the guy ended up going in the elevator with our heroes, and pointed at Dean (the only one who hadnt been at our party) and said.."Do I know you? You look familiar" hahahaha sooo funnyyy..he ended up at the party we were at, which was slightly unnerving, this wasnt someone anyone really wanted around. egh, shudder.
Interesting though, how the things we lose have a way of finding us again... in the most unlikely of circumstances sometimes..
Gave away some clothes to the roomates today. step one..
Friday, November 28, 2008
OUT OF COFFEE, how sad...
today is our party! my boyfriend's band Beard Season ( http://www.myspace.com/beardseasonband )will be playing, which is so exciting! I always heard these stories from my dad about parties with live bands...finally i get to experience one!
I have brought everything i own from dowstairs and around up into my room and it is now an absolute disaster! not that it wasnt before................But the point is, i need to both get rid of A LOT OF SHIT and also learn how to organize..this summer I gave away 5 garbage bags full of clothing, and I still have too much! I need to learn how to not be so attached to the objects that I have, because they just weigh me down and clutter my space, and though I try to deny it, because the natural state of my room, and any area i occupy, is CHAOS, a cluttered room sort of equals a cluttered mind...and I just dont like having a messy room! i cant fiiiind anything, I cant waaaalk anywhere........my stuff gets dusty or bent...
When you really think about it, there are SO MANY OBJECTS in the world, that almost anything you have, unless it is an original creation by someone, like a drawing or letter...can be found again elsewhere! or very nearly replicated at least. Perhaps replaced by something better! So why hoard these things when we dont need them? when need arises, then get what you need, find what you are looking for...but until then, why do I have so much STUFF??
I have multiples of most things, way too much random crap I never use, that I keep around because I like it...and I feel that that is okay, but I do have to get rid of a lot of it. i gotta de-clutter my life. soon.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
skipping class today.
need to clean the house for the S party.
need to clean the house for the S party.
and make tinfoil lightning bolts for my costume.
and EAT CHOCOLATE, my mom sent me 3 bars of cocoa camino chocolate in the mail (mint, bittersweet and espresso..mm!) as well as one of those advent calenders that has pictures when you open the tabs instead of chocolate..i like those better :)
this is a good thing to keep in mind:
(from a book my friend lillian was reading..)
"Two persons are sitting in the same draught.The one is injurously affected by it, the other experiences not even an inconvenience, but he rather enjoys it. The one is a creature of circumstances; he fears the draught, cringes before it, continually thinks of the harm it is doing him. In other words, he opens every avenue for it to enter and take hold of him, and so it, harmless and beneficient in itself, brings to him exactly what he has empowered it to bring. The other recognizes himself as a master over, and not the creature of, circumstances. He is not concerned by the draught, He puts himself into harmony with it, makes himself positive to it.
...the mental attitude we take towards anything determines to a greater or less extent its effect upon us."
-Ralph Waldo Trine
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
space oddity it is!
having some troubles with teachers lately, or rather today...i find my style doesnt suit the projects or SOMETHING even if i try and i LOVE what i've done, I cant seem to please them, and i always receive poor marks...as in C's or D's, whether I try or not. I get the same marks. Its pretty....disheartening, i would say.
gotta do other things to be happy, like make my own art, think about hitting my teacher over the head with my paintinggIMEAN do yoga or something calming like that. My roomate Kajsa and I signed up for 8 weeks of yoga and we only went to one class! talk about lack of committment. i should try and do it on my own time, but the problem is location..
need to do silkscreening soon. i love it, and its soo satisfying
i read this in a book i have, this is the kind of mentality i want to have all the time, regarding every situation, but it is not so easy..
"Life is what you make it. Why not find the best in every situation and enjoy it to the full, no matter where you are and what you are doing? Never waste time and energy wishing you were somewhere else. You may not always understand why you find yourself where you are, but you may be sure there is a very good reason and that there is a lesson to be learnt. Do not fight against it, but find out what that lesson is and learn it quickly so that you can move on. You would not want to remain static would you? As you cease resisting and simply accept the lessons to be learnt, taking them all in your stride, you will find life much easier and, what is more, you will enjoy the changes which take place. A plant does not resist growth or change; it simply flows with it and unfolds in true perfection. Why don't you do the same?"
- Eileen Caddy
I feel like I need to confront my teachers about why I am getting such poor marks, so I can learn how to improve or please them more...as well as listen more closely to their demonstrations and explanations...and stop resisting their methods ...thinking mostly of painting here i guess ..i enjoy it until i become disheartened by teachers who shut me down ..with comments or bad marks, like a 57 i got today on a painting i really enjoyed painting and was pretty happy with...who's to say who is in the wrong, if anyone is...i guess its all too subjective..
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
sometimes, somebody such as mysself simply seems unable to summon a scintillating, super sweet IDEA, y'know?
So I'm hosting an S party this weekend. the theme is S. any costume that starts with the letter S... As one of the hosts, and the creator of this sweeeeeet idea, i feel obligated to have a super sweet costume, but i can't ssssink of a single one!
so far my ideas are:
- star spangled (tinfoil stars on black or silver dress)
- saturn (uhhh.....)
- space oddity (bowie!)
- (a) swarm (of..)
- solar system
-straight up O G
sssssssssuggestions, my few readers?
"the superior man attends to the spiritual things and not to his livelihood"
Seize every minute
of your time.
The days fly by;
Ere long you too
Will grow old.
If you beleive me not
See there, in the courtyard,
How the frost
Glitters white and cold and cruel
On the grass
That was once green.
That was once green.
- Tzu Yeh
despite this, these thoughts..
I've decided to stick it out. school. my cousin is done school in a few weeks, after 4 1/2 years of University, she is writing her last essay and now heading out into the world with a 1 way ticket to Europe.....but after putting in the work. I think, although i feel that i should do what i wanna do when i wanna do it, i will get school behind me completed. it'll be worth it in the end, i will just choose to enjoy what i'm doing when i'm doing it and not think about what other wonderful things i could be doing at this time, the time for those things will come......perhaps when i have earned them?
TODAY i saw a migration of robin-birds on my way back from class, i've been watching their agitation and group gatherings for some weeks now.
AND while taking out the garbage, i noticed that the object i had assumed to be a large bird house on the side of my house, as that is exactly what it looks like, actually was not a bird house at all. And in fact contained a blue corded phone which is attached to the house...it looks old but apparently was not there at the beginning of the year.
today's theme is green...and walls.
this one time, about a month after my landlord installed new floors in my room and i painted my walls, i spilled an entire bottle of ink in my lap/ on my wall and floor.... but i secretly love the spill. it has character or, rather, adds character to my room i suppose.
please note the toes.
Monday, November 24, 2008
So one of my main passions is photography, as a form of art to experiment with. I have a 35mm Asahi Pentax and up until now I had only prints...but my roomate Kyle was nice enough to scan some of my photographs today, which I am super excited about. This first one is of Kyle climbing a tree this summer when we wandered around downtown one day...taken behind the Nat'l art gallery..